28.01.08 - 10:25 p.m. - four forsaken.
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| i'm glad all of this information has been saved: i find that on rare occasions, such as tonight, i need a reminder of how much feeling i was once capable of. out of nowhere i started crying.. what a shock, where did that come from? it ended with a lightbulb, and that man said something about the sillyness of saving a lightbulb. i should have known then that this person was not of me. i blindly ignored the comment because the devastation behind the lightbulb was consuming all of my sense. the lightbulb for years has been carefully stowed away. it never occured to me that the lightbulb might still work.. until tonight. i turned it on like a light into the past. it has been four years. no way is this time possibly eternity, and even now as i write this i know i'll look back at this with wiser eyes and laugh at this notion of lost time that i'm always writing about. what is lost time to someone only 25? what am i missing? something was shutdown. i treated this situation as if it was the be-all-end-all involvement of my life. each time i try to leave this situation i remind myself of everything i love about it. each time i try to end it i chicken out. it is just comfortable. that is all i can say about it. i want to leave because all it is is comfortable.. i'm driven to stay because this comfort is secure. but let me tell you about passion.. i was once an expert at passion. i knew desire and dread equally. i loved feircely. there were regrets, and way too many painful days, but i read something tonight in an old entry that is relative to this situation, "you do not measure a man by what he has won, but rather, measure the man by what he has lost." knowing what loss is makes us more real. life is the great defeat. how do we treat our defeats? i feel defeated right now. i think i have been defeated by my rationalizing brain. it is just too difficult to face the possibility of another ghost lurking in objects and places and smells.. especially, because this time i will be responislbe. if passion was present, the present would be perfect. there is no passion. i said something else, nearly four years ago. it was on february 29th: i said something like 'in another four years i'll be getting up there in age.' this only weeks before that man showed up. am i wasting time? am i losing time? am i being defeated? or a coward? look to those words.. let us not lose that of which we love, let us not chose that of which we loath. you were always my personal space. i'm glad you still listen. |