17.08.14 - 1:39 a.m. - forever in dreams again and again.
| home send your words here lost letters of me |
| i am here, again. i wanted to tell you that i'm dreaming again. this time, though more real and less terrible as tornadoes and trauma, these are dangerous. i could never tell most anyone about them. i can hardly handle them myself. they twist and distort reality and remind me of what i'll never see, touch, or feel again. like a poisoned apple i see them and slowly metabolize the toxins throughout the day until finally i feel like myself again just before bed. sometimes they stick even more and take days to shake. they make me nervous and excited to seek out the scenarios. i never will..but it lingers as an untouchable delight. to be young and eager and honestly devoured by life. i wish i could see you all...every single person and talk and catch up and tell you how very much i loved since i could never manage to get those words out then. you, and you, and you.. and i know this feeling, this desire, this ache. the subtle stir is like every old friend. i recognize the way it touches my heart and i hold it so dear because it's all i have of the past. a feeling. and before too long i should remind here that i love this man in my life. he laughs with me like no other and is the very center of my world...i know, i know.. but there are echoes of voices from long ago and it's been so many years since...and what does one do with that? just hold it, hold it and try to smell and feel and hear those birds singing outside the window on that day there was a nice breeze blowing in and the sheer curtains swept slightly near the futon and some sigur ros album was on repeat and i'm sure there were cigarettes and coke cans and hairspray bottles and coffee cups and did you know that this would still be more than ten years later... thank you all for the dreams, but please, stay hidden in the cozy corners of the past. |